Sterilise, at their own expense, anyone who plays music on the bus, dart or luas on their shitty phone. This will ease the welfare burden of childrens' allowance as well as develop a new area of the medical profession. Consider same for anyone who climbs on public transport on their way to sign on and beings bellowing to their friends about how they're going to "fookin kill that prik" who "Ripped meh off". I'm sorry, you had your chance, you could have been a useful and productive member of society but now there isn't an insurance company on the planet that would cover your progeny's chances of being fucking useless so we're not going to foot the bill either.
Everyone in jail works. Everyone. Fuck you, fuck the human rights you're so fond of screeching about. You didn't care about them when you were infringing on someone else's right not to be murdered, assaulted, raped or kidnapped. So now, you can get to work to supplement the massive burden on society your bullshit behaviour is causing. Compliance is optional, the option is that you donate your blood and marrow instead.
Performance related pay for anyone with an ounce of influence over how the country is run. Under this system most politicians would owe the nation cash.
Everyone who voted Fianna Fail in the last two elections now owes everyone else fifty quid.
Fire Gerry Ryan and Pat Kenny. You can pretty much do what you want with the savings here since anything would be an improvement, even consuming it would presumably provide some kind of nutritional benefit.
While we're on RTE, place a permanent moratorium on RTE "Comedy". Use the savings to Clone Richard Attenborough and set him to work on documentaries about anything except the FUCKING burren. We get it, it is a miracle of rocks and scratty heather, beautiful, austere in its blah de blah de blah.
No more money to the Gaeltacht. Seriously, you're perfectly capable of speaking a language no one cares about without getting grants for it. In fact, no more money to "preserve a way of life" any more. Either that or start funding MY endangered way of life of speaking in complete sentences on the internet. THANKS TWITTER.
Trademark St Patrick's day. Make anyone who wishes to claim to be Irish pay a one hundred euro certification fee. Passports are available for an additional four hundred euro because fuck it, we might as well.
I'm *fairly* sure most economists should return their paycheques. We can replace them with voodoo priests. Sure, the methods are (presumably) a little different but the results, advice and accuracy should be more or less the same.
High level management of all banks over the past fifteen years will be fed to the homeless. Financial regulators and ministers for finance will eventually end up in the pot but we're going to be pumping them with angel dust for a little while first.
Fines for placards containing poor spelling, unclear slogans or unproven conclusions (e.g. Public Sector = Modern day slave trade)
No more tax funded cars and drivers for politicians. Walk, you fat fucks.
80% Tax rate on cover versions of songs.
100% Louis Walsh tax. Retroactively.
If we maintain tax relief for artists then we're going to need a tax penalty for cultural rapists. David McSavage will, fortunately, have to die. Damien Hirst and Mark McGowan will need to pay up before entering the country.
Everyone now pays for their casualty visits if your drunken ass breaks something. Acting like a wanker in the casualty department not only allows the staff to refuse treatment but they will now be within their rights to stick you in thunderdome. Bets on the outcome will be allowed, profits go to the staff social fund. Hippocratic Oaths are now optional between 11pm and 8am on friday night/saturday morning because they're just too much hassle compared to popping some scumbag between the eyes with a bedpan.
Revise the penalty points system. The limit is now one point. Points are awarded for anything that would cause you to fail your test. Upon reaching the limit you will be banned from driving the massive metal contraption that is entirely capable of killing as many people as happen to be nearby. Your vehicle will be siezed and sold and thats it, you're not getting another license, ever. You clearly can't be trusted with a car, you've demonstrated that. End of story.
Next week - Mr Wombat figures out how to tackle the crime problem using a tiny police force armed with sticks against criminal gangs that would give the fucking Sopranos pause.