You will need a saucepan big enough to boil a ham in.
Take one joint of ham in the 2kg/4.5lb range.
Chop up an onion
Get a two litre bottle of coca cola 
Put the ham and onions in the saucepan, pour the two litres of coke on top. Cover with a lid, bring to the boil, simmer for two and a bit hours, adjusting cooking times for weight using the arcane conversion charts that proper cooks use.
Once its done, remove the ham from the cola mix 
Remove most of the fat from the meat, leave enough to score.
Score the fat with a knife in a crisscrossed diamond fashion
Get some molasses, mustard powder, fine brown sugar and cloves.
In *theory* you should put the cloves into the intersections of the scoring on the fat and apply the molasses but in practice I found that smearong on the molasses and then sprinkling on the mustard and sugar before stabbing the cloves in and hoping for the best worked a lot better.
Bake in a pre-heated oven for twenty minutes or until the molasses are bubbly and brown.
 Not diet coke, not caffine free coke, not caffine free diet coke, not cherry cola, not lemon diet cola and definitely not pepsi. Just regular boring coke, the kind that gives me the delhi belly if I drink more than two glasses like I did last night and am feeling the dire consequences of today.
 Which makes a great stock base for black bean soup, just mix a tin or two of soaked black beans, cumin, coriander and cilantro, boil for twenty minutes and in theory you have soup