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Thu, Nov. 23rd, 2006, 04:49 pm

Mr Wombat reviews: Crappy horror

Masters of Horror - Stewart Gordon's "H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witch-House"
Pretty decent actually - of course once you stick closely to the original Lovecraft script its hard to go wrong (See "Dagon" for what can go wrong). Some pointless gratuitous nudity that got well in the way of the story without doing anything to develop it at all beyond a cheap scare, it went on too long and sort of broke the flow of the whole movie which was a shame.
Seven unconvincing human faced rats out of ten unconvincing human faced rats.

Masters of Horror - Tobe Hooper's "Dance of the Dead"
The "good" - Billy Corgan did the music for the episode and Robert Englund does a good job of portraying a depraved necrophilliac.
The bad - most everything else.
The ugly - Another god damned angst ridden anti-hero driven to do the right thing by unconvincing character development. Some scenes will honestly creep you the hell out in a bad way.
Five times wondering if Robert Englund is capable of any other role except shrieking maniac out of ten times wondering if Robert Englund is capable of any other role except shrieking maniac.

Masters of Horror - John Landis' "Deer Woman"
I got bored after twenty minutes of this one but from what I can gather of the plot, someone beats the bejeezus out of some truckers, cops investigate and something happens. I assume there is resolution at the end but I was left with the chilling feeling that I couldn't traipse all the way back to Best Buy in Boston to get my goddamned money back. I give it some bonus points because the lead into the plot was good, and the cop character was played by someone I've not seen in a while and always sort of liked.
Two unfortunate actresses who don't get a line despite being in a lead role and have nothing else to do except peel off her top out of ten unfortunate actresses who don't get a line despite being in a lead role and have nothing else to do except peel off her top

Demon Hunter
Sean Patrick Flannery spouts cliched one liners laiden with angst in what was obviously intended to be the pilot of a series that ripped Angel off so vigorously that Joss Whedon was left with spank marks on his ass. Complete with sexy sidekick nuns, a Paris Hilton look/act alike succubus and Billy Drago as a demon of lust - This is the least sexy attempt at an erotic thriller subplot I've ever seen.
Three dead overweight hookers out of ten dead overweight hookers

Clive Barker's "The Plague"
For an intellectual movie, this one is pretty goddamned stupid but has a neat premise. Dawson from Dawson's creek stars in a movie set in a world ten years after every kid on the planet aged nine or below went into a coma. They recover and set about doing a zombie thang. The ending *really* lets it down once you realise how the characters figured out how to achieve it. Apart from that though there are some really frightening moments and it is fairly light on the "jump out and grab you" shocks, preferring to instill a lower level of pervading fear throughout the whole thing.
Six deux ex machinas out of ten deus ex machinas

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium
Tedious meandering garbage acting as an unofficial prequel to the 2005 version of Day of the Dead.
One goddamned mysterious cannister you should leave the hell alone no matter how retarded you are out of ten goddamned mysterious cannister you should leave the hell alone no matter how retarded you are

Return of the Living Dead : Necropolis
I'm thinking thatPeter Coyote was exceptionally hard up for cash when he signed on for this one. Featuring a cast of go getting hellseeking teenagers and their blah blah blah black kid is suddenly really good with guns blah blah blah assloads of zombies blah blah blah oversexed blonde cheerleader who likes to sex up fat losers in an obvious vicarious living out of the director's own high school years blah blah blah blah ripoff of nemesis from Resident Evil blah blah.... honest to god, they made a sequel to this.
No ridiculously evil uncles utilising his own brother's ten years dead corpse in crazy biomechanical zombie experimentation out of ten ridiculously evil uncles utilising his own brother's ten years dead corpse in crazy biomechanical zombie experimentation

I've got Pan's Labyrinth, Cemetary Man, the Descent and some other ones to watch still, and the ending to the Covenant which I think I can sum up as "'the Craft', only with blokes".

Thu, Nov. 23rd, 2006 05:07 pm (UTC)

"'the Craft', only with blokes".

That made me laugh out loud! I can just imagine the movie exec pitching that one. Are they blokey blokes who sit around farting and talking about sports, Nerdy blokes who argue about who shot first, or pretty boys with manbags?

Thu, Nov. 23rd, 2006 05:11 pm (UTC)

Pretty boys with manbags unfortunately, last sons of an ancient dynasty stretching back to the witch hunts or something along those lines. They have superpowers, they're addictive.. blah blah.
Honestly, it could have been an excellent film but all the ideas they touched upon are placed a dim and distant second to taking the opportunity to flash some skin here and there.... actually, never mind, season six of Buffy did a way better job of covering all the more interesting bits...

Y'know, if someone DID do ... I dunnow.. trainspotting meets the craft - that'd be a movie I'd watch.

Thu, Nov. 23rd, 2006 05:36 pm (UTC)

It could be a great idea for a comedy/sci-fi/Fantasy script... Blokey, beer swilling, sports mad, pizza-eating lads suddenly discover magical powers and hijinks ensue.

Or you could do it the darker trainspotting route.

Fri, Nov. 24th, 2006 10:18 am (UTC)

One of the supposedly focal bits of the story that they didn't explain or explore all that much was the addictive nature of the power possessed by the lads. The more you use it, the more it ages you and if you're more than a very casual user you'll look about three times your age by the time you hit forty but that only kicks in once you hit eighteen, from that point on you pay every time you use. I'm sure it was meant as some kind of metaphor for adult responsibility or the like but the nature of the addiction isn't explained, hence my earlier point about how Buffy did that bit a lot better. So I reckon the darker trainspotting route would work a lot better - the Hellblazer/Constantine comics covered that ground fairly well too and they'd definitely have made a good flick (not that I'm criticising Constantine itself but it wasted potential).

The Covenant turned out all right in the end. Predictable and a little silly but enjoyable

Fri, Nov. 24th, 2006 06:58 am (UTC)

mm bad horror movies. one of my favorites. i particularly like awful lovecraft adaptations.. there have been some absolute nightmare b-movie takes of h.p. stories done that have turned out far, far worse than Dagon. Full Moon put out one, but I can't find what it was called for the life of me. If you're not familiar with their catalogue, look them up... I don't know if all of their stuff has made it to DVD yet, unfortunately. They've got a lot of classic, and really bad, movies from the 90's. The Dead Hate the Living is probably one of their better films.

Oh, and if you want a REAL treat, go find "Lair of the White Worm". Starring none other than Hugh Grant. I've always wanted to meet him ever since I saw that movie and sing "I know what you've done!" at him.

On the other hand, Cemetery Man is a fucking fine movie, so don't go slagging off on it or i'll have your bag on a plate. And as a bonus, Anna Falchi = hot.

Fri, Nov. 24th, 2006 10:31 am (UTC)

Well, it looks like Lair of the White Worm is on the newsgroups so I'll grab that tonight I reckon. As for Lovecraft - I liked the Re-animator series though I have yet to see "Beyond Reanimator" or whatever the last one was called. Dagon was... watchable but anything else I saw pretty much faded from memory. I'd like to see Cthulhu though (the gay drama version with Tori Spelling who was I suspect unintentionally perfect in a film about Innsmouth). It looked like a decent interpretation. Lurking Fear (the one I suspect you're on about) sounds frigging awful but hey, I might as well work towards completing the set :)

Cemetery man looks great, I watched the first fifteen minutes last night and I loved it, it has a real charm about it - quirky, doesn't take itself too seriously but I don't get the impression that it'll descend into a farce. Sort of like Sean of the Dead, there's a real passion for the genre behind the film but they recognise that zombies are a background to the real stories.

Fri, Nov. 24th, 2006 10:34 am (UTC)

"13:de mars, 1941" and "Kammaren" both sound interesting too actually. Might see if I can find them.

Fri, Nov. 24th, 2006 09:18 am (UTC)

The Descent is creepy. Creepy!

Fri, Nov. 24th, 2006 10:20 am (UTC)

It finished downloading last night so I'll probably watch it in the sitting room with the lights out some night followthebird isn't around. I've been meaning to see it for an age now, not sure why I never got around to it because it sounds just like my kind of film.