Mr Wombat reviews: Crappy horror
Masters of Horror - Stewart Gordon's "H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witch-House"
Pretty decent actually - of course once you stick closely to the original Lovecraft script its hard to go wrong (See "Dagon" for what can go wrong). Some pointless gratuitous nudity that got well in the way of the story without doing anything to develop it at all beyond a cheap scare, it went on too long and sort of broke the flow of the whole movie which was a shame.
Seven unconvincing human faced rats out of ten unconvincing human faced rats.
Masters of Horror - Tobe Hooper's "Dance of the Dead"
The "good" - Billy Corgan did the music for the episode and Robert Englund does a good job of portraying a depraved necrophilliac.
The bad - most everything else.
The ugly - Another god damned angst ridden anti-hero driven to do the right thing by unconvincing character development. Some scenes will honestly creep you the hell out in a bad way.
Five times wondering if Robert Englund is capable of any other role except shrieking maniac out of ten times wondering if Robert Englund is capable of any other role except shrieking maniac.
Masters of Horror - John Landis' "Deer Woman"
I got bored after twenty minutes of this one but from what I can gather of the plot, someone beats the bejeezus out of some truckers, cops investigate and something happens. I assume there is resolution at the end but I was left with the chilling feeling that I couldn't traipse all the way back to Best Buy in Boston to get my goddamned money back. I give it some bonus points because the lead into the plot was good, and the cop character was played by someone I've not seen in a while and always sort of liked.
Two unfortunate actresses who don't get a line despite being in a lead role and have nothing else to do except peel off her top out of ten unfortunate actresses who don't get a line despite being in a lead role and have nothing else to do except peel off her top
Sean Patrick Flannery spouts cliched one liners laiden with angst in what was obviously intended to be the pilot of a series that ripped Angel off so vigorously that Joss Whedon was left with spank marks on his ass. Complete with sexy sidekick nuns, a Paris Hilton look/act alike succubus and Billy Drago as a demon of lust - This is the least sexy attempt at an erotic thriller subplot I've ever seen.
Three dead overweight hookers out of ten dead overweight hookers
Clive Barker's "The Plague"
For an intellectual movie, this one is pretty goddamned stupid but has a neat premise. Dawson from Dawson's creek stars in a movie set in a world ten years after every kid on the planet aged nine or below went into a coma. They recover and set about doing a zombie thang. The ending *really* lets it down once you realise how the characters figured out how to achieve it. Apart from that though there are some really frightening moments and it is fairly light on the "jump out and grab you" shocks, preferring to instill a lower level of pervading fear throughout the whole thing.
Six deux ex machinas out of ten deus ex machinas
Day of the Dead 2: Contagium
Tedious meandering garbage acting as an unofficial prequel to the 2005 version of Day of the Dead.
One goddamned mysterious cannister you should leave the hell alone no matter how retarded you are out of ten goddamned mysterious cannister you should leave the hell alone no matter how retarded you are
Return of the Living Dead : Necropolis
I'm thinking thatPeter Coyote was exceptionally hard up for cash when he signed on for this one. Featuring a cast of go getting hellseeking teenagers and their blah blah blah black kid is suddenly really good with guns blah blah blah assloads of zombies blah blah blah oversexed blonde cheerleader who likes to sex up fat losers in an obvious vicarious living out of the director's own high school years blah blah blah blah ripoff of nemesis from Resident Evil blah blah.... honest to god, they made a sequel to this.
No ridiculously evil uncles utilising his own brother's ten years dead corpse in crazy biomechanical zombie experimentation out of ten ridiculously evil uncles utilising his own brother's ten years dead corpse in crazy biomechanical zombie experimentation
I've got Pan's Labyrinth, Cemetary Man, the Descent and some other ones to watch still, and the ending to the Covenant which I think I can sum up as "'the Craft', only with blokes".