No, don't sit down, that would imply that you're welcome in my personal space - and for the purposes of this conversation you can take "My personal space" to mean "the same postal address I am currently standing in".
It's not bad enough that you and your cronies are so inept that the project is now over a year behind schedule (though I admit not all of that can be attributed to you, a moronic australian had a large part to play there) but now that it is a week and a day past the final "set in stone" and the final version is OH so far from usable and you are trying to place the blame for a late delivery on our department beggars belief.
Firstly, let's concentrate on the whole speed issue. You know the damned thing is slow by any standards, hotmail looks like a cheetah compared to this abomination you've wasted server space on yet you seem to have some bizzare notion that until I prove to you, in milliseconds, how slow it is, it is not fixable.
Newsflash you moron, your half assed "security" measures have managed to screw up our stress testing tool (note that it is called a STRESS testing tool, not response time testing tool) to the extent that I cannot compensate for it with my limited knowledge of the system.
Somehow though in your tiny overstretched mind, this is reason enough that it is somehow my fault that the problem exists. Well, that's just not going to wash fuckbag, you can cease and desist your oh so subtle maneuverings because if you even TRY to pin it on my boyo there are going to be some harsh (yet entirely accurate) words spoken about you, your moron co-worker and frenchman who has absolutely screwed (and I mean SCREWED, buttfucked and anally reamed) the database and who seems to see himself as some sort of "bad cop" database administrator who doesn't play by the rules and gets the job done, and the fact that you have marked no fewer than 100 bugs as "future" issues, not serious enough to be dealt with now.
By the way, your bad cop DBA? Well his inability to do anything the way he was asked to do meant we wasted a morning trying to find out the passwords to the site because YOU LET HIM GO ON HOLIDAY IN THE FORTNIGHT BEFORE THE PRODUCT WAS RELEASED. I mean the dickhead changes code, without permission on stuff he isn't supposed to even be working on... yeesh..
Anyway, back to your not so subtle attempts to place the blame on the testing department. Dude, Jack Chick has more subtelty in his little finger than you do in your entire malformed body. Look to your own fuckups before pointing out our minimal ones. For example, you have one man who has moved from department to department in a vain attempt to stay undertrained and therefore free of responsibility (and when given such responsibility oh how he falls from the occasion), another fucktard who seems to think I don't notice the fact that he closes bugs without ever fixing them (though I'll grant you he's gotten more subtle lately and started signing my name to them, but he has to learn that I sign closed bugs with my initials and then the date, not vice versa). Oh, and he's about as friendly and likable as a some sort of hideous cross between a tapeworm and a plague rat. Then there's the lead database administrator who you will rather let go absolutely postal with stress than hire someone to help him (but needless to say you've spent the last week in lengthy interviews for someone to help you). He's actually a very decent man but your mismanagement has once again turned a potential fluffy bunny into a very angry bald... thing.
Then of course we have you and your cohort, the creme de la dumbasses.
So, to summarise, I hate you and all you stand for. It's unhealthy and I never thought I'd have to say this about anyone but you make me so angry it actually hurts, you're a fucking moron who lucked into a job and now you're almost single handedly ruining a project that has the potential to be a massive earner and finally mean that the shares foisted on me in lieu of a real pay increase might be worth something. Come to think of it, the lateness of this project even means that I'm down 1000 euro in bonuses since they were cancelled to keep your fucking department in the fashion to which it has become accustomed.
Hell, I can't even get a chair that does something as simple as support my god damned back, these days a simple twist of my back muscles can produce a sound like a child hopping on bubblewrap because your department naturally NEEDS top of the range machines to sit idle. You are everything that is wrong with the irish IT sector. It is muppets like you who are destroying it for everyone because rather than take responsibility for your mistakes now, you're happier to let someone else answer for them a week late.
And if I hear your voice one more time insinuating that this entire debacle is somehow our fault, I will get you and get you good. There will be a reckoning.
On a nicer note, you have inspired me to do one thing. In march (or whenever the hell management feels like discharging their contractual obligations) at my pay review I won't be taking any crap, no sir. They'll make their offer, I'll laugh, demand a 5K pay increase to bring me up to speed with the average for someone of my experience, sign the contract and then hand in my notice. Be warned though that I'll be doing my "I don't have to face you wankers in the morning" rounds shortly afterwards though. I used to like working with these people but now, God... I actually want to kill you and now that my patience is all wasted on your shit, I have little left for the grinning moron and that god damned wench in support who seems to think I owe her the time of day, let alone a favour.
Take advantage of my good nature? think you've seen me in a huff? well fuck you buddy boy because no one, but no one has seen me in a temper like this.
Gah... forget it... get the fuck out of my sight.... fuck you, fuck the fucking horse you fucking fucked in on.